Hi, it’s been a while.
Life has been, well, life. I have been doing too much and I haven’t really followed through enough. So here I am being vulnerable on the internet to try and kick start the motivation once more. I recently turned 32 on January 6th and that’s had me reflect a lot, like most birthdays make you do.
TW: Mental Health
Life
If you follow along on Instagram or especially TikTok you’ll know I’ve been very outspoken on healing our generational trauma that in part stems from my own childhood abuse. This resulted in a lot of my family turning their backs on me for being so open. As shitty as that has felt, nothing has felt better than healing. I also started some pretty intense EMDR therapy that has helped me process so much. It’s also mentally, emotionally, and physically draining to do. But I am here to do the work so that my kids have a happy and healthy mom.
You may or may not know we opened up a store, a sustainable one at that. This was all in response to my former employer firing me during my disability leave. You know, the one I took when dealing with birth trauma from almost dying giving birth to Camilo. Anyway, that gave me the push I needed to chase a dream. And with that dream came imposter syndrome, debt, sleepless nights, flexibility, pride, and so much more. It’s called Oh Eco, it’s the first eco friendly store in Orlando and we’re doing something good here.
Balancing life and running a business has not been easy.
Motherhood
It never stops (as I write this with my 18 month old on my lap)….
We successfully potty trained Santi! The pride this kid has when he drops a deuce is on another level. It was easier than I thought (do you want a post on it?) and even Cami, at 18 months, is trying to potty train just from copying his brother.
Cami is a shop kid and hangs out with mamá y papá at the store. It’s nice to be able to have one on one time with him while Santi is in school. I’m sure other parents of 2+ can relate, the guilt I feel for having been able to focus so much on the oldest and the second doesn’t get that same attention. So whenever I can make memories with just Cami I jump on it.
Still breastfeeding at 18 months. After dealing with his birth and the aftermath, this was no easy feat. I’ve officially past my record which was 16 months with Santiago.
Mental Health
Like I mentioned before, therapy and healing has been intense. Due to me losing my former job I also lost health coverage for a bit which meant no therapy. I am nothing if not honest. I have really struggled with my mental health since.
I have been formerly diagnosed with anxiety disorder, manic depression, and PTSD. I have had suicidal tendencies in the past and recently have had moments where I have gone back to that mindset. It’s not easy for me to admit, nor am I proud of it, it’s just how life has been. I have to give it up to my husband, who has navigated around that and let me feel what I need to feel.
I always feel extremely guilty for having those thoughts and saying them out loud. I know I am so incredibly lucky to be alive. I have a strong marriage, supportive partner, kids who I am their world. Still, it somehow doesn’t negate the dark feelings of despair that sometimes come over me. I am getting better. I am trying to at least. I’ve come a long way from the 16 year old Alyssa but I’m only human and can only handle so much. Here are some things that have helped me:
- Getting outside every day
- Starting my day with gratitude journaling
- Listening to my favorite songs on blast while driving (old Fall Out Boy and The Hamilton Soundtrack are especially great to belt out)
- Working out
- Eating chocolate
- Making my cortadito in the morning
- Being consistent with my skin and hair care
- Snuggling with my boys
- Mindfully hugging my partner (seriously, hugs are linked to lower stress levels)
As simple as some of these seem, consistency and mindfulness has really helped. It’s part of my “fake it till you make it” mentality. If I can trick my mind into thinking it’s all good, it will be (eventually).
So if you’re struggling, please hold on
I can’t say it’ll all work out, or magically get better. But life comes in waves, or cycles. Yes there are bad moments but soon the good will wash that all away. and rinse and repeat. I’m trying to remember that myself – which is why I’m still here. Holding on for my life.
What’s to come…
I promise to be more consistent going forward. This is a promise I will keep because I have a bunch of exciting stuff to share! A NEW Florida getaway, cool stuff with kids, and of course tons of easy sustainable hacks and swaps to make life easier and the planet greener.
So thank you for being here. It means the world to me.
Hasta pronto, y con mucho amor,
Alyssa
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